im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
