I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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