i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
