Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
