It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
