Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
