Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
