McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
