bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
