i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
