I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My bed smells like the plague
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
