A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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