In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Small penises have feelings too.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Someone came in the potted fern
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
