It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
