I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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