Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
