Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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