I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
