We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
