Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
sarcasm needs its own font
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
