Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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