so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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