dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
