Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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