you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
