Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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