Moan for me like Helen Keller
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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