i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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