My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
