Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize