2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
