Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
