My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
