No awkward lesbian experiences without me
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
