I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
