Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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