Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Come see our sink grown plant.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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