Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
