Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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