she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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