im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
