Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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