No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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