just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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