Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
