i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
