Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
