I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
