i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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