8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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