How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
