the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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