I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
