The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Also, beer. Big fan.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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