I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
