I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
