life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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