Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
