and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
