Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
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